Personal Experiences

Other Libraries / Bibliotecas Ajenas

by Cayre Alfaro Fonseca

Cayre Alfaro Fonseca, editor of the independent Peruvian publisher ‘Personaje Secundario’, has been running the bookstore ‘Espacio Secundario’ since the end of last year. Before thinking about opening a bookstore, he imagined a questionnaire about books he’d like to have from libraries he’s visited. “Other Libraries” talks about three books he wishes he had, as well as the impossibility of arranging a bookshelf, of fixing a library.

Author Cayre Alfaro Fonseca

Other Libraries

An Argentinian bookshop has a questionnaire that asks writers how they arrange their personal library. It also asks for a picture of it. “I don’t send a photo of my library because I think it looks like all the others”, replies Santiago Venturini, who prefers sending a photo of the light he’d mentioned in a previous question about the most beautiful colour he’d ever seen.

 

Every library has its own order. And its own disorder, too. I think of the photos of libraries I’ve seen: overflowed, excessive, inhospitable. I believe in those photos. Bookshelves organised like a military parade, ideal for Zoom backgrounds or backcover pictures, are a fiction. There’s real photos of publishing offices, journalistic studios or admired writers’ libraries which justify their own chaos. In fact, I have yet to order my own library after returning from a trip with a couple of suitcases full of books. There’s no way to order a library without disordering it. Or giving it a new order, in any case.

 

A Mexican bookshop, for its part, records writers’ libraries. I remember a writer who, intending to take excessive care of his image, would turn his books so that, instead of their spines, one could only see paper sheets. That way, he prevented anyone who’d visit his library from learning his tastes and influences — and also from them asking to borrow any books. In any case, in the Mexican bookshop’s videos, writers stop at certain books, be it for antiquity, affection, or both.

 

Most libraries are impossible to photograph, or to record, especially if they’re our own. There’s no distance with one’s own library. We usually value our friends’ libraries, and get surprised when they get excited over our books — rarities that we normalise and treat as if they’d always been there. In other libraries, on the contrary, we search for titles that we don’t have, in order to desire them, to make a mental list of books that we don’t but should own, in order to flirt with the idea of borrowing them, without, of course, intending to give them back. If I had a bookshop, I’d make a questionnaire asking readers which of their friends’ books they’d steal — or borrow without intending to give back. Because I don’t have a bookshop, I play the game and think of three books I’d choose from libraries that I’ve seen, that I’ve visited.

 

Before moving to the United States, my friend Ivana invited me to her house to select the books I wanted from her library. The only one that was out of bounds was a hand-made edition, rubber-bound with a coloured bond paper jacket. I was struck by how scholarly the edition was. I tell her this. The term scholarly is not derogatory, but true. It was a book her younger sister made for her as primary school homework. I don’t remember the title, but I do remember the cover had the word “sister” written on it. It was a manual for enduring having an older sister, for coping with being the younger sister. Against her sister, but in support of sisterhood. It was both a cute and cruel book at the same time: children’s literature in its pure state. That’s the familiarity I’m interested in: the conflict of coexistence, the tragicomedy of transiting other lives, and having others transit our own life.

 

On the birthday of my friend Ramos’s father, who is also called Ramos, but isn’t my friend, I stay to one side of the party talking with him all night, as if we were friends. After midnight, his wife approaches us and says, more as an affirmation than a question: You’ve become friends. No, he replies, and she, perhaps to break the tension of a denied friendship, asks him whether he’d told me the Borges anecdote. No, I reply this time. And the story begins, with a certain familiarity that becomes confusing. Apparently his father, my friend’s grandfather, who, of course, is also called, or, in this case, was also called Ramos, worked as a secretary in the Universidad de Buenos Aires. Amongst other tasks, he was in charge of the academic timetables when Borges gave classes at the UBA. In gratitude for giving him the best schedules, Borges gave him books at the start of each term, which he read during the year, and, at the end of the course, asked Borges to sign. Of all of those books, two arrived to Lima — my friend’s father brought them from Argentina to show them to his son, to tell him about his grandfather, about his job, about his books. After the conversation, after that emotional moment that my friend had in fact already told me about — right before asking me for a Borges book of short stories which he never gave back — both books were abandoned on some shelf of the Ramos family library. More abandoned than what they’d imagined, apparently, because every so often, when they looked for them to show them to a reader friend, they couldn’t find them. Until Ramos father’s second wedding, when Ramos son’s cousin gave both books signed for Ramos grandpa as a wedding present. The surprise was moving — which did not mean, however, that that family member was allowed back into the family library. The story ends, the party continues and the possibility of friendship remains in the drinks, in the stories, in the books to come, to be lent, to be returned.

 

My best friend spent months writing countless versions of a book for his girlfriend. The anniversary present he dreamed of giving to her. He organised a trip to give it to her on the date when everything begun. But the book didn’t make it out of print on time. So, he had to give her the printed mock-ups with marks and corrections. That’s the book that I’d like to receive, that I’d like to read, that I’d like to have in my library. A book made against time, unfinished, imperfect. An accident. After returning from the trip, my friend gave her the official version. Because of the delay, the print shop should have given him a few more copies. But they didn’t, so my friend had to look for another place to print more books. A few months later, he published a version for the public: hundreds of copies that do not compare to that unique object resting in another library. In the end, the relationship ended, but the book survived, survives on anonymous bookshelves that they don’t know of, that they ignore. Perhaps that’s what we do when we write, when we edit, when we read: we build other libraries.

Translation by Patricio Ghezzi Novak

 

BIBLIOTECAS AJENAS

Una librería argentina tiene un cuestionario donde preguntan a escritores cómo ordenan su biblioteca. También piden mandar una imagen del lugar. “No envío una foto de mi biblioteca porque creo que se parece a todas las demás”, responde Santiago Venturini, quien prefiere mandar la luz que había mencionado en una pregunta anterior, referida al color más hermoso que vio en su vida.



Hay un orden propio en cada biblioteca. Y también un desorden. Pienso en las fotos de bibliotecas que he visto: desbordadas, excesivas, inhabitables. Creo en esas fotos. Los libreros ordenados como desfile militar, ideales para tener en el fondo de Zoom o en la foto de solapa, son una ficción. Hay fotos reales de oficinas editoriales, de estudios periodísticos o de bibliotecas de escritores admirados que justifican el caos propio. Tengo pendiente, de hecho, ordenar mi biblioteca, luego de volver de viaje con un par de maletas llenas de libros. No hay manera de ordenar una biblioteca sin desordenarla. Darle un nuevo orden, en todo caso.



Una librería mexicana, por su parte, graba libreros de escritores. Recuerdo un escritor que pretendía cuidar demasiado su imagen y volteaba los libros para que, en lugar del lomo, se vean las hojas de papel. De esa manera, evitaba que los eventuales visitantes a su biblioteca supieran sus influencias, sus gustos. Y de paso que le pidieran libros prestados. En todo caso, en los videos de la librería mexicana, los escritores se detienen en ciertos libros, ya sea por antigüedad o por cariño o por ambos.



La mayoría de las bibliotecas son imposibles de fotografiar o de grabar, sobre todo si es nuestra. No hay distancia con la biblioteca propia. Solemos valorar las bibliotecas de nuestros amigos y sorprendernos cuando ellos se emocionan al ver los libros que tenemos, rarezas que normalizamos y damos por sentadas, como si siempre hubieran estado allí. En las bibliotecas ajenas, en cambio, buscamos títulos que no tenemos para desearlos, para hacer una lista mental de ejemplares que nos faltan, que deberíamos tener, para tantear que nos los presten sin ninguna intención de devolverlos. Si tuviera una librería, haría un cuestionario para preguntarle a los lectores qué libros robarían —o pedirían prestados para no devolver—. Como no la tengo, hago el ejercicio y pienso en tres libros que escogería de los libreros que he visto, que he visitado.



Mi amiga Ivana, antes de mudarse a vivir a Estados Unidos, me invitó a su casa para que seleccione los libros que quería de su biblioteca. El único que no estaba en oferta era una edición artesanal, encuadernada con goma y con una sobrecubierta de papel bond a color. Me llamó la atención lo escolar de la edición. Se lo digo. El término escolar no resulta despectivo, sino cierto. Fue un libro que su hermana menor le hizo para una tarea de primaria. No recuerdo el título, pero sí que llevaba la palabra “hermana” en la tapa. Era un manual para soportar tener una hermana mayor, para sobrellevar ser una hermana menor. En contra de su hermana, pero a favor de la hermandad. Era un libro tierno y cruel al mismo tiempo: literatura infantil en estado puro. Esa es la familiaridad que me interesa: el conflicto de la convivencia, la tragicomedia de transitar la vida del resto y que el resto transite nuestra vida.



En el cumpleaños del padre de mi amigo Ramos, que también se apellida Ramos, pero no es mi amigo, me quedó con él, a un lado de la fiesta, hablando toda la noche como si fuéramos amigos. Pasada la medianoche, su esposa se acerca a nosotros y dice, afirmando más que preguntando: Ya se hicieron amigos. No, responde él, y ella, acaso para romper la tensión de una amistad negada, le pregunta si ya me contó la anécdota de Borges. No, me toca responder a mí, esta vez. Y la historia comienza, con cierta familiaridad que se torna confusa. Resulta que su padre, el abuelo de mi amigo Ramos, que, cómo no, también se apellida o, en este caso, se apellidaba Ramos, trabajó como secretario en la Universidad de Buenos Aires. Entre otras labores, era el encargado de ver los horarios académicos, cuando Borges dictaba clases en la UBA. En agradecimiento por darle los mejores horarios, Borges le regalaba libros al inicio de cada ciclo, que él leía en el transcurso del cuatrimestre y, al terminar el curso, le pedía que firme. De todos esos libros, dos llegaron a Lima, traídos desde Argentina por el padre de mi amigo para mostrárselos a su hijo, para hablarle de su abuelo, de su oficio, de sus libros. Luego de la conversación, de ese momento emotivo del que mi amigo sí me había hablado —antes de pedirme prestado un libro de cuentos de Borges que nunca me devolvió—, ambos libros terminaron olvidados en un estante de la biblioteca familiar. Más olvidados de lo que pensaron, al parecer, porque, cada tanto, cuando lo buscaban para mostrárselo a algún amigo lector, no los encontraban. Hasta el segundo matrimonio de Ramos padre, cuando el primo de Ramos hijo dio los libros firmados para Ramos abuelo como regalos de bodas. La sorpresa fue conmovedora. Lo que no evitó, sin embargo, que ese familiar no vuelva a entrar a su biblioteca. La historia termina, la fiesta sigue y la posibilidad de ser amigos se mantiene en los tragos, en las historias, en los libros por venir, por ser prestados, por ser devueltos.



Mi mejor amigo pasó meses escribiendo incontables versiones de un libro dedicado a su novia. El regalo de aniversario que soñaba darle. Organizó un viaje para entregárselo en la fecha donde inició todo. Pero el libro no salió de imprenta a tiempo. Entonces, le tuvo que regalar las pruebas de impresión con las marcas y correcciones apuntadas. Ese es el libro que quisiera recibir, que quisiera leer, que quisiera tener en mi biblioteca. Un libro hecho contra el tiempo, inacabado, imperfecto. Un accidente. Luego, al regresar de viaje, mi amigo le regaló la versión oficial, salida de la imprenta que, por el retraso, le debió dar al menos un par de ejemplares más. Pero no, mi amigo tuvo que cambiar de lugar para hacer más libros. A los meses, sacó una edición abierta al público, cientos de ejemplares que no se comparan a ese objeto único que descansa en una biblioteca ajena. Al final, la relación terminó, pero el libro sobrevivió, sobrevive en estantes anónimos, que ellos desconocen, ignoran. Acaso eso hacemos al escribir, al editar, al leer: construimos bibliotecas ajenas.

 

Cayre Alfaro Fonseca (Lima, 1997) studied Hispanic Literature at Pontifica Universidad Católica del Perú, where he currently teaches, and is taking the Art History and Curatorship masters degree. He has published the books of poems _Hay un animal entre nosotros_ (2019) and _Quince minutos de receso_ (2022), amongst others. He has also written for theatre, stories and essays. This year, _Historia personal del baño_, his book that parodies autofiction novels, will be released. He currently runs the independent publisher ‘Personaje Secundario’ and the bookstore ‘Espacio Secundario’.

Testimony: Lost in the Amazon

Source: https://elpais.com/internacional/2018/11/27/america/1543344243_444001.html

Source: https://elpais.com/internacional/2018/11/27/america/1543344243_444001.html

By: Arianna Sánchez

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the KCL Latin American Society or El Cortao.

Olivia was born in a tiny town, hours away from Iquitos, in the Peruvian Amazon. To get there, you need to not only trek but also travel a portion of the way by boat. As Olivia told me, “there was absolutely nothing to do, I had to leave”. During our lunches together, she would tell me about her main dream growing up – she needed to get out of that town. Olivia would take any chance available to travel to Iquitos even to work for free, any excuse to leave her cramped town. Even though she grew up in a loving family, she felt suffocated. In a place where everyone knows everything about everyone. She could not grow. 

 

Shortly after turning 20, she went to Iquitos to look for jobs to become independent. She knew her town would not provide her with what she wanted. She needed a way out,urgently. She found the best way to get out was to find a job and the closest city was Iquitos. Walking with her head down and ready to give up, Olivia found a brand-new poster stuck to one of the light posts, “Looking for people to work in the jungle, near Iquitos. Will pay 1,000 soles.” Olivia knew what she had to do. Her golden ticket out of her native town. 

 

Olivia did not hesitate and called the advertised number quickly. A couple picked up. They asked her to meet them at the main plaza where they would discuss the job in more detail. What they told her seemed too good to be true. She would get 500 soles right then, and the rest when she finished the job. If she recruited more people, she would even get a commission. Best of all, the place of work was an hour away from the main plaza, and she would get free transport. Olivia rapidly thanked them, carefully placed those 500 soles in her purse, and ran back to get on a boat before it got dark. 

 

When she arrived at her town, she decided she would break the news to her cousin first. Her cousin was a young single mother with a teenage son. When Olivia told her about the pay, her cousin quickly came on board. Both Julia and Mateo asked to be recruited too; Julia could pay for house refurbishments, and Mateo could start to save up for his dream of attending university. It was their golden ticket too, and they took it. Olivia’s mother was not on board. She feared her daughter was making an abrupt decision rather than one well-thought. But Olivia would not take it. And so, a few weeks later, the three had packed their favourite belongings and crossed the river towards their big break. They arrived at Iquitos with a bright new glow and headed to the plaza to meet with their new bosses to-be. They greeted each other, and as time went by people started to join them. Suddenly, the man said it was time to go. They got into a huge van and headed into the Amazon. This was when things started to go sour. 

 

Olivia stared out of her window and into the jungle, ruminating about her next steps. Sure, being inside the jungle for months would not be a vacation, but it was a small sacrifice with a life-changing reward. She drifted off to sleep. She woke up confused and asked her cousin how long it had been since they started driving. Her cousin let out a carefully silent “it’s been like 3 hours”. Olivia pushed away her hunch and decided this would be her ticket out. In just a few months, whatever happened, they would be out and with 1,000 soles in hand. She sat upwards and looked out the window as they went deeper into the Amazon. The bus stopped and demanded everyone to get out quickly. Olivia grabbed her belongings and stepped out of the bus filled with excitement and yet a lingering negative feeling would not allow her to enjoy what she had been waiting for. Julia, Mateo and Olivia followed the bus driver for around half an hour, as they walked through what the bus could not. Finally, they arrived, the bus driver said. Olivia told me she can only describe that moment as bittersweet; she looked up and saw this beautiful plantation, vast enough to make her question if it even stopped somewhere. This ethereal view was heavily contrasted with what she called “incredibly scary men treating you like a piece of meat”, and an arsenal of weapons enough to carry an army. She realised where she was in a moment of both acceptance and deep regret. Mateo, a mere 17-year-old boy, grabbed his mum by the wrist and asked, “They are going to kill us, aren’t they?”

 

Olivia kept quiet. She knew her nephew could see right through her lies, and, if she did not lie, she could worsen the situation by further scaring him. She told me she still did not have a grasp of the entirety of the situation at that moment, but she knew the job was not the one advertised. Another man showed the new people to their quarters, separated between men and women, as were the jobs. Women were told to meet in the morning by the entrance of the plantation, whilst men were told to meet by the common area. Mateo grabbed his belongings and, trying to seem as confident as possible to build a reputation amongst the mostly older men, walked into his quarters without a goodbye from Julia and Olivia. The two cousins walked into their quarters, where they were assigned a bunkbed, next to a dozen others. 

 

Around two weeks later, Olivia felt a constant ache in her arms due to carrying coca leaves to the main area and back all day. Her daily routine was almost as if robotic. Men would usually gather around to drink at night, so Olivia and her cousin tended to eat in their room. They would barely see Mateo, who was in charge of processing coca paste, and was dragged every night to the men’s nightly drinking-binges. They were tired but could not let anyone see, deciding to let their bodies run on autopilot and get it over with. Until the third week. Olivia and Julia were having dinner with some of their workmates in their room when they heard shouting outside. They dismissed it as it was extremely common to see drunk men making a fuss and starting fights every night. However, they stopped eating when they heard a loud gunshot. Julia did not even think twice and sprinted out of the room in an attempt to find her son. Olivia stared at her not knowing what to do – she froze. Julia came running with Mateo on her hand, trying to explain something to Olivia but unable to talk. Mateo told his aunt someone had been shot. With time not on their side, they decided to do what most were doing in a frenzy – escape into the jungle. 

 

Olivia told me the eight days she spent in the Amazon were the worst days of her life. The lack of clean water and safe food compounded with the constant paranoia of the drug traffickers finding them made these days a nightmare come true. They were following a stream of water trying to find a town, walking all day with an excruciating level of heat making them extremely dehydrated. However, the fear of being caught kept pushing them forward. At night, all types of insects would make sleeping impossible, and, by the morning, the three would wake up with wounds due to infected insect bites. But they had to keep going. 

 

Around day five, Mateo came running back from his daily food search to tell them he had heard people talking close by. What seemed like a golden opportunity to be saved, turned sour really quickly. Julia recognised the voices – it was a group of the drug traffickers. They realised walking would probably not be enough to lose them. They were severely dehydrated, and the other group did not seem so. If they tried to escape through land, they would get caught. Running out of options, the three decided their safest bet was swimming away. So, reluctantly, the three stepped into the cold river hoping it would lead them to safety. Olivia remembers the excruciating pain she would feel when she stepped out of the river. Leeches would be all over their bodies and taking them off by force was not an option. The only way to get them offwas urinating on them. 

 

A few days after, they felt overwhelming feelings of happiness when they found a small town. They were alive. Walking around the town, they recognised one of their fellow co-workers sitting on a bench alone. Mateo went running towards him, as the two had worked together for months. He told them he had escaped too and arrived at the town a few days prior to them. When he arrived, he found out the person that had been shot back in the plantation had told everything to the police for some money and legal immunity in return, and the traffickers had found out. The police and army raided the site during the night, and everyone who had not escaped was arrested on the spot. Most of the people that escaped were not seen again.

 

A few months later, the three were back in their small town, grateful to be there for the first time in years. However, their happiness was short-lived. Someone had given the police Mateo’s name, potentially in an attempt to reduce their own prison time. Mateo was arrested under charges of drug trafficking at 17 years old. He was sent to the capital, Lima, to become imprisoned in “Maranguita”, the only prison for young boys in Peru at the time. This meant his family could not even visit him, and the thought of hiring a lawyer from a capital was simply irrational. They could not afford it. Mateo spent 20 years in prison, without saying a word about Julia and Olivia, despite constant intimidation tactics by the police. Mateo was released last year, at 37 years old. 

 

Olivia has been diagnosed with PTSD. When she finished telling me her story, I cleared my throat and told her I did not know what to say. I did not know whether to tell her I was incredibly sorry or whether I admired her. She looked up at me and started laughing, and I thought she could see in my face my desperate attempt to find something to tell her. I asked what she was laughing at, to which she just replied, “I never even got paid the other 500 soles”

Arianna is a Peruvian 3rd Year Politics Student at King’s College London with a passion for Latin American politics and political risk-management.

Caracas: Land of Legends, of Great Warriors and My Home

Photo taken by the author: A Blurred Sunset in Caracas

Photo taken by the author: A Blurred Sunset in Caracas

By: Andrés Vargas Arévalo

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the KCL Latin American Society or El Cortao.

On October 3rd, 2019, I decided to take a leap of faith; I would turn a short voyage to Caracas into a one-way trip. I had been living in Mexico City for the previous fourteen months and, as my mother used to say each time we vacationed outside Venezuela: “I would return with double the eagerness that I had had when I left”.

Mexico City and Caracas have much in common: they are chaotic and perhaps unfriendly. I see them as chiral, as though they were mirror images, yet different, and sinister. Mexico City was handed to me in the same way I was handed Caracas: without a choice. Each city came with its own implications, pains, and gains. Yet the only thing I wanted whilst living in Mexico City was to be back home, in my brutalist, concrete jungle. Now that I am living in Caracas, I sometimes miss Mexico City and the good memories I have of it, but I have always had one - and only one - place which I call home.

 

My memories started to resurface as the plane began its landing at Simon Bolivar International Airport. It was the first time in years that I was landing at night given that my mother thought it would be better to return using daylight flights for security reasons. To my delight, it wasn't the case this time and I would now be able to see lights that I could only recall as fragments of my childhood days when I’d go back and forth between Caracas and La Guaira on weekends. As my uncle drove up to Caracas, I was greeted by the magnific Caracas-La Guaira highway, a testament to the former glory years of the 1950s. On each side of the highway, the lights of the barrios took me back to my childhood since I used to fall asleep to them.

 

I was hungry, I had had a long layover in Bogota before departing for Caracas and the flight had not accepted international cards to pay for meals. My uncle took me to a hot dog stand called ‘Joao’ in Las Mercedes, where I used to eat every week with my high school and college friends after a night of partying. It was a sad moment because I haven't seen many of those friends in years, and I knew that life takes turns and perhaps I won’t see them in what remains of my life. Caracas has given me everything and has taken a lot from me, but I still love her.

 

Just after getting home, I decided to surprise one of my best friends, Mort. As he entered my house, I jumped on him and started to laugh. He took me on a ride to one of the most sacred places for a Venezuelan patriot: the house where El Libertador was born, which is now bordered by cafes. There was a certain joy in the streets that night, with lights which were strange to me. You had to be crazy to go out after sunset to the center of Caracas due to the fear of getting mugged, but I didn'tfeel any fear whilst drinking a frappuccino almost at midnight.

 

We drove back to Las Mercedes to eat arepas and get a couple of drinks. Pilsner beer was something I’d missed while in Mexico City; negritas, as we call them, have a unique taste (In Venezuela the word ‘negro’ isn’t racist, it is actually used as a synonym for friend and as an affectionate nickname). I was surprised to learn that a nation in which it used to be illegal to have dollars, or any other foreign currency, now uses them as its main currency and that foreign credit cards could now also be used. Even using a credit card seemed surprising; previously it had been a nightmare to use one because the card terminals never worked.

 

Caracas wasn't the ghost town that I had left behind on July 27th, 2018. Somehow, she had come back to life. I still had friends left, my first alma mater was still standing and there were still opportunities left to grow up in the former land of opportunities; opportunities to rejoice, to mourn, to go out and to face the world.

 

Some may argue that I'm short-sighted, which as a matter of fact I am. There is still an unimaginable misery in Venezuela that shocks everyone, with news of the elderly and the young dying alone of starvation. The witches - as we call the policemen - roam in the shadows waiting for an unlucky soul to snatch. This is still the capital of the Animal Farm, ruled with an iron fist by our very own Napoleon. But it would be an insult to me, to my family, and to all hardworking Venezuelans lie to you saying that we are hopeless. We have stood up to tyranny many times before and we have always won; from Carabobo to Boyaca, from Junin to Ayacucho, and to our very own streets, we have fought and won. It's only a matter of time before we win again. 

 

Even in the darkness of the pandemic and of the economic ruin, we still wake up to work for a better life, just like the millions of wartime refugees of long ago who spent weeks walking towards ports to board ships, seeing no daylight until they had reached the ports of a land of grace called Venezuela.

 

I see you, Venezuela, each day as I go out to work; I see your fear dwarfed by your immense ambition for a better life and your courageous struggle for happiness. I see you, delivery guy, I see you, entrepreneur; old and young, I see you all. You are the true lights that stand up to the darkness, and the guiding star to a new dawn.

 

You are the heart of Caracas. Soon the carcasses of the buildings that lay dormant will rise, and we will become again the city of the eternal spring, the branch of the heavens, the home that so many have missed.

Andres Vargas Arevalo is a second-year student of Chemical Engineering at Universidad Metropolitana. Born and raised in Caracas who has lived in Canada, Mexico and Spain. A passionate entrepreneur and founder of @TuMetroCondon.

Latin American Community: Little Bird

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Photo provided by the author

By: Camila Consolmagno

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the KCL Latin American Society or El Cortao

My story begins where it ends. All my life I’ve heard people say, ‘when one door closes, another opens,’ and all my life I saw this as nothing but a pretentious proverb attempting to justify the vexatious things that happen in life. In reality, sometimes things just occur irrationally. People seek comfort, sometimes in a proverb, in the same way as a hug; it will never actually solve the problem, but it will still be solacing. While growing up, however, I’ve realised that that saying isn’t as ostentatiously ignorant as I’d always believed. All endings are also beginnings; we just don’t know it at the time. And so, my story begins and ends with an airplane. 

...

It was an ordinary day in Guarapari, Brazil – adhesively hot. I wasn’t born here; my birth-city is a 15-hour car drive away. I was born in Londrina, my mother’s city, but my parents moved to Guarapari just a couple of months after having me. I don’t recall the time, but the sun was out, probably morning. I was in my mother’s flat – which was unusual for a Saturday, considering I spent the weekends at my dad’s. Unwashed dishes from the night before. No toys on the floor for a change. Four packed suitcases by the door. I was nine years old and my brother was four. 

Dad finally arrived, late and impatiently pressing his car horn. ‘Vamos!,’ he yelled still from inside the car but with his head poking out of the window. His girlfriend of a few months was sitting next to him in the passenger seat. My mother rushed down with my brother and I; then ran up and down again but this time with our suitcases. We’re waiting outside the flat. ‘Vamos!,’ Dad shouts again. My mother’s crying. My brother doesn’t understand what’s going on, and I’m mad at him for not knowing. ‘Say goodbye to mum’ I suggest, ‘because you might not ever see her again” – I’ve always been dramatic. He cries and hugs her, and I say a quick goodbye. We get in the car and just as the door closes my dad agilely speeds. I look back but in the flash all I see is a speck of what’s supposed to be my mother’s face. In what feels like less than a second, she vanishes, and I don’t get the chance to look at my mother’s face for one last time before I go. 

I didn’t see that face for another six years.

We arrive at the airport just in time. My dad and his girlfriend say their last goodbyes. I envy their hugs and their kisses and their tears as all of that was blindly swept away from me in the honk of a car. I still hate that noise. 

One airplane, eleven perpetual hours. I remember staring out at the clouds and imagining what it would be like to taste them. They looked like candy floss. Although I hated candy floss, the thought of eating a cloud was incredibly appealing. ‘It’d taste like ice,’ I thought, ‘after all it’s just water anyway.’I tried to look for shadows in the clouds, trying to see if I could find an angel. Eventually I just gave in to the screen in front of me and watched Finding Nemo repeatedly for the remaining nine hours. Growing up in a small town with fifty-two beaches I found comfort in the sea, even if it was pixilated.

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We were moving to Peterborough in Cambridgeshire, England. I hadn’t really quite processed that – and I wouldn’t for a while. What then used to be a magical town full of adventurous parks where my nine-year-old self could gambol for hours on end, is now a monotonous nightmare for the seventeen-year-old version of myself. ​

We lived with my grandparents for the first bit before we found a place of our own. Their house was a two-storey, three-bedroom, old English brick house. It would be spacious if my grandma had not adorned it with every decorative gift she had received within the past thirty years and bric-a-bracs she’d found in Sunday markets for the last ten. Mini replicas of famous paintings, like the Mona Lisa and Girl with a Pearl Earring hung above the living room’s electric fireplace that I’ve never seen been used. On the wall that followed the evanescing burgundy carpeted stairs that made ghost-like creaks whenever it made contact with any sort of weight, my grandparents blue-tacked framed photos of family members, dead and alive. My father was there, a profile picture of himwhen he was fourteen; that one was my personal favourite.Upstairs were two guest rooms, a bathroom, and my grandparents’ en-suite room. The first guest room was taken by my uncle, so we stayed in the second – the biggest, though not by much. My bed was a single mattress on the carpet floor, coercively squeezed between a wall, right below the only window in the room and next to the double bed where my dad slept. My brother slept on an air mattress adjacent to the double bed, so our mattresses formed an L around its left side. 

My dad’s girlfriend, Carol, joined us three months later and all four of us were crammed into that same room. Sometimes at night, Carol and I couldn’t sleep because of the notable different time zones that we still hadn’t got used to. So, whilst my brother and my dad slept soundly, she’d join me on my mattress and we’d get a pack of cards and quietly, yet competitively, play until we were both finally sleepy, this was often until 3am. Sometimes, we would also watch the current melodramatic Brazilian soap opera on the internet. Or, play the most emulous rounds of dominoes. Together, we always found something to fill our sleepless, empty nights with.

Although, I only seemed to love her when no one was watching. I was still pretty raw from leaving my mother behind and I thought there was a chance I could convince my dad to take us back to Brazil and return to our ordinary lives. But we are better off here, it just took me a while to realise that.

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I’ve been moving all my life. In Brazil, I learnt never to get attached to a house as every year we moved and changed schools. Now, in England, having moved cities twice, gone to four different schools and lived in five different houses, I’ve learnt not to get attached to people. Albeit, at the same time I’ve grown used to moving, it doesn’t seem to get any easier. Once my dad knew he didn’t have to have it all figured out to move forward, he hasn’t stayed still. I think that’s where I get my impulsiveness from, but some would call it courage. 

I leave Brazil, enter England. My mother leaves, Carol shelters me. One door closes, another opens. 

People often ask me which of the two countries I prefer, almost in a wrong or right form, but they’re incomparable. I can’t note the similarity or dissimilarity between the Latin heat and the British wintry, a feijoada versus a roast dinner, a cup of coffee or a cup of tea. They are countries underneath the same sky and above the same sea, but they are different universes apart. This year when I turn eighteen, I will have lived half of my life in each country. The magic of it all is not choosing which I love most but loving the most of out of both. In the end, I’m only one airplane away.

Camila Consolmagno is a final-year Bachelor of Laws student at SOAS, University of London. She is the first Brazilian President of the SOAS Latin American Society and an aspiring human rights lawyer